Bloody Typical

Well, things took a rather unexpected and rather disturbing turn over the last few hours. After all was said and done, we absconded from Almernae rather quickly and are again wandering the desert weighted down by new gear and bobbles to sell at our earliest convenience.

And I’m out of cigarettes.

Bloody. Fucking. Typical.

After searching through the little Serket’s bunk and a little chat with her bunkmate, we were called outside by the owner and by screams and shouts of terror. My kind of night. Apparently the “Great Bandit” Tokigero and his “gang” had decided to “attack” this “town.” It’s just occurred to me that there’s a lot of bullshit going on around here, and I’ll be happy to leave this hole in the dust.

Al the Killer had tried to get us to run and hide in his bunker until the attack passed over. It would seem as if this was a fairly common occurrence around here. I guess they must not be that much of a threat if they’ve done nothing about it. That, or these redneck Yankees are just as moronic as the so-called bandits. Amongst the bolts and gunshots firing left and right and, not surprisingly, missing their marks, we were beckoned over by the bloke who runs the graveyard down by the church.

He said he had some intel on these attacks for us, and asked us to follow him back to the church. It’s not like we had anything better to do, so we followed. After we reached the church basement, he started grumbling some vague facts about the bandits, all the while with a malicious grin on his smug mug.

With a triumphant gloat, he declared that he had led us right into his trap, and that soon the Tokigero bandits would have us all pushing up daisies. His confidence, and his kneecap, took a painful shot when we weren’t intimidated in the slightest. Much to his surprise, we informed him just how awful the “bandits” were at their jobs. Clutching his bloody knee, he told us we were all dead anyways.

The crunch of boots from behind us told us that this was indeed an ambush. I’m actually kind of astonished that they managed to get this far. Soon enough, three goons appeared in the doorway behind us and we were set upon.

Now, I’m loathe to admit it, but I was so fed up with all of the shit this tumbleweed-infested shithole of a town that I let my composure slip. I downed a vial of my own brand of mutagen, and I put on my ugly-face. Samura was already reloading her gun and Anya drew her blades.

The poor fuckers didn’t know what hit them. Within minutes we had them shredded to pieces (in some cases more literally than others) until the only scum left standing was the half-orc who tried to betray us. While we slaughtered his comrade, he slunk back into his rathole of a room. With a little effort, we broke in and got what little info we could out of the man. Then, we used his head as target practice.

Samura and Anya took care of the priest locked away in the next room while I regained my composure, and we left for the orphanage to deal with the full plate of problems we had. First and foremost, the bandits tried to make away with our score from the Barnibus Manor. We had that sorted in due time, but then we found that the orphanage was ablaze.

We rushed over and, much to my surprise, Anya and Samura leapt into the inferno to rescue as many kids as they could. Altogether, they rescued two kids. The rest burned in their beds, I suppose. I stayed outside in the cool night air, though I could have done without the sobbing orphanage patron.

Once the kiddies were saved, Samura and Anya continued about their “helping.” Peer pressure got to me and I ended up lending the good doctor a hand. I may be a mad scientist, but I’m still a doctor… of sorts.

About ten minutes later I remembered I had a rather urgent appointment to keep. Rushing out of the clinic, I made my way to Barnibus Manor, giving the sheriff some excuse or another about our progress. I downed another transformation potion, taking up the guise of the butler from earlier, and once it was a little past three, I arrived at the back of Barnibus Manor.

Now this part was interesting to see.

The sheriff, the mayor, and Barnibus’ daughters had all gathered around for some secret meeting involving smuggling illegal whiskey or some other frivolous good in and out of town. Apparently they were making quite the profit, and tonight they were scheduled to meet with their “partners.”

We meandered through what wasn’t burned in the town and eventually ended up in some abandoned quarry. Avery led us through some dank mine tunnels until we reached a chamber deep in the mountains. There we met a smartly-dressed tiefling and his grunt of a woman with a sword as big as I am tall. I’d say she were compensating for something, but…


Point is, Avery and his little goon squad were double-crossing this tiefling, and with the snap of his fingers, his grunt cut down every single person before her. In a matter of seconds I was surrounded by corpses. Only slightly less intelligent than the group I normally surround myself with. Just as I was next to be mowed down, the tiefling told the woman to wait.

I should have known my guise would be seen through. Either way, I shrugged and revealed myself to the tiefling, a man named Wilward Jones. His associate, Clare, sheathed her blade, albeit begrudgingly. After a few words, we parted as… allies? I don’t even know, though I do believe I’ve discovered someone in this world worthy of my respect.

He left me with a briefcase originally intended for him. In it were a few potions and a magical cloak. With a skip in my step, I strolled back to the village. Things were looking up. By the time I arrived, I found that Anya and Samura kept themselves busy investigating the sheriff. I informed them about what I found, and with nothing better to do, we decided to finish the job we started and went to find Jade.

Jade’s friend led us to some patch of dirt outside of town. We were warned to stay away from the sand. Apparently there were antlions sleeping below that loved to eat hapless passersby. The cave that Jade was in was higher up in the cliff face across the sea of antlions. With no other alternative, one by one we crawled on rocks to a platform in the middle of the sand trap. Samura grabbed us some loot from a body on the rocks, and just as we were about to make our way inside, a very annoying and obnoxious voice stopped us in our tracks.

The “Great Bandit” Tokigero and his posse had come looking for us. With their guns raised, they warned us not to move or else we’d be shot. Repeatedly. I did not have time for Tokigero’s bullshit, and so I took matters into my own hands. I drew a bomb, and with great relish on my part, I tossed it into the sands below, waking the antlions.

As Tokigero and his gang were distracted, we made our way to the cave with only a few minor complications. Inside, we found Jade. It looked like she was still making offerings to some giant spider further in the cave. Apparently her old man was loony enough to think that the spider was some god or something.

All I’ll say is that Jade and her dad got what they deserved for being such impressional idiots.

We pressured Jade for the truth of the matter, and soon we heard the familiar sound of boots crunching over gravel and the click of guns behind us. Tokigero and what was left of his group had actually managed to follow us. I’ll admit I was impressed.

Naturally, we ignored them and focused on Jade. The three of us had drawn our weapons, and Samura gave Jade an ultimatum. Either she tell us exactly what we want to know or we shoot her. Samura cocked her gun, Anya drew her bow, and I readied my crossbow. Slowly, Samura counted to three while Tokigero desperately tried to get our attention.

On three, we all turned and launched a volley at Tokigero, hoping to silence this pesky nuisance once and for all. One of his grunts, however, jumped in the way and took a bullet, an arrow, and a crossbow bolt for his leader. He must have been as smart as rocks.

As he crumpled to the ground, the gun he was holding slipped and fell over to Jade. In a fit of pre-pubescent rage, the little scamp picked up the gun and tried to shoot Tokigero, only for the gun to explode in her face. I’d say this endeavour of her cost her an arm and a leg, but one, it cost her an arm and an eye, and two, that’d be in poor taste.

Anyways, I digress. After Jade exploded, we scared Tokigero off to parts unknown, and with a few well-placed bombs, we collapsed the cave on the spider-thing without having to dirty our hands at all.

Soon after we dropped Jade off at the clinic, we left Almernae in the dust. I suppose we’ll be pegged for the deaths of their mayor, sheriff, and the heirs to the Barnibus fortune. Oh well, it’s not like there’s anything they can do about it.

Either way, now that we knew where the hell we were, we made our way north towards civilization and out of this desert sun. Next stop: Hephan. I’ve always heard that those forest elves have good taste in tea. And apparently the best coffee beans in the country are grown there. Who knows, maybe I’ll actually like coffee for a change.

*Three weeks later*

Coffee is delicious.

Dr. Leonard Crowley

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License